Anticipating the Future

One thing that my experience with cancer has taught me beyond a doubt is that it is absolutely pointless to worry about the future when there is zero chance that you can actually influence it. One should do the best they can and then let go, let it be in the hands of the universe. I also learned that something that dominates your life for months can seem like a footnote later. As the saying goes, "This too shall pass."

A good lesson, yes. Something I needed to know, yes.

When I was in active treatment, I would come home and the boys would be out swimming or playing soccer at the park and at first I would be annoyed. Their life went on, even while I stuggled. Then one day I realized, that their life goes on is a gift. They laugh, they talk about the tadpoles and the crawdads in the creek, about the ducks, about the wonderful blocks and kicks they made. They sing operatically to each other and often are lost in their books. There are hints of the men they will before long become. This is the gift, they can go on without me. I hope they will not have to go on alone yet. I'm planning on being around for a long time yet myself. But whatever comes, there will still be laughter.

There is still joy even when we are at our weakest.
I have lost much of my fear.